she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
