dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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