and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
