I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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