I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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