my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
