Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
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