He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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