Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
