This is not my ceiling
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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