i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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