there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
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billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
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Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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