I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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