if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
