Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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