My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I cut my penus on the lid.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
