Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
