Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
