my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
