No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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