just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
