I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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