please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
