We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is the high leading the old right now
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
