good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
No I am not eating basil off your cock
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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