I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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