hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
