My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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