Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Green mimosas i think yes
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
