So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
