Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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