It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
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