I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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