All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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