Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
