I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
