It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
