can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
