You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
