Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
