the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She even gives head with a lisp.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize