On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
