quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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