We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
