this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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