Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
