Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
