clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
