cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
