I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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