and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
