Pappa wants mamma naked
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
