News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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