someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have fence marks all over my body
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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