I puked a lego.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
