So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
