its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
