This is not my ceiling
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Randomize
