Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
